he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
