I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
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You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
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You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
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