im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
