Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
