I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
It's just like the Real World with babies
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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