I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
