I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
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