Michael Bay diarrhea
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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