I skipped work to stalk him.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Alive.
So much puke
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
