I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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