Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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