I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
