Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
