How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
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she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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