i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
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