youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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