i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
