How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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