btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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