remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Randomize
