Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
