and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
