she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
