I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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