I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
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