I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
im six kinds of drunk right now
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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