Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
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She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
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I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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