So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
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it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
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I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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