I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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