Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
