2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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