Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
