I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
