I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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