just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
