were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
