They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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