There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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