The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
