i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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