Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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