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So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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