Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Randomize
