You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
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