the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
