I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
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