I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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