I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
