My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
