its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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