i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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