im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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