How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Randomize
