I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
