My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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