Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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