Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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