Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
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