Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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