You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
