but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
