I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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